"Everything I Know About Parenting" by Paul - Ephesians 6:1-4

“Everything I Know About Parenting” by Paul

 

With tongue-in-cheek, I have titled this sermon as a reflection of Paul’s very brief entry on parents and children. We get three short sentences from a man who likely had no children or experience in parenting. In his letter to the Colossians, Paul gives them two sentences abbreviating what he says here. He is a wise man to say little rather than act as an authority on the subject.

            You know that I have a daughter and a son, but I do not claim to be an expert on parenting. As I told Michael when he preached on marriage, just stick to the Scriptures. I will heed my own advice…and run! 

            I will say this: many studies have been done in the last two decades by Barna and LifeWay revealing an alarming trend for the church. Twenty-somethings who are raised as Christians, who have gone to church as children, are disengaging from active participation in the Christian faith during their young adult years. Seven in ten young adults who went to church regularly in high school quit going by age 23. 

            Tim Challies interprets these studies to mean that Christians are doing a poor job of reaching the children in their midst. Our hope as Christian parents is that by introducing our children to Jesus while they are young, they will not be engulfed by the world’s pleasures so easily when they mature. These reports tend to defuse that hope. The statistics say that we are doing a bad job of this. That’s very sobering. 

            Paul may have little to say about parents and children, but we should not discount the commands (that’s right, commands) he gives his readers about this relationship. He gives us four words in Ephesians 6:1-4 that challenge both children and parents. Paul has been applying life-changing gospel truth to the intimate relationships we all have. He spent a long time on marriage; now he turns to how your relationship with Jesus Christ changes your family dynamic. 

            Let’s see what Paul has to say about family…

1. “Obey”: A Gospel Assumption (6:1)

 

“Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right,” (1). Romans, Greeks, and Jews would all agree on this point: children ought to obey their parents. This is the right thing to do. It’s not always easy, but we know that our moms and dads had our best interests at heart. They knew/know what’s good for us. 

            Obeying our parents is a universal expectation. It’s not a Christian thing or a race thing. But note that Paul doesn’t just say “obey your parents,” he says, “obey your parents in the Lord.” There is an assumption here that draws us back to the beginning of the letter. Before you can apply what Paul says about parenting, the assumption is that you the reader have been changed by the gospel. He’s speaking to a child who follows Jesus; he’s speaking to a parent who has been changed by the gospel. Paul began the letter talking about the amazing plan of God, what God is doing in the world, how he adopted us, revealed his grace to us in Jesus, and so on. 

            The expression “in the Lord” or “as to the Lord” is found in Paul’s teaching about wives submitting to husbands (22). But you remember this was prefixed by Paul’s command in v. 21 to submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. That banner of mutual submission flies over the parent-child relationship too. You children belong to Christ and must be loved as such; parents who follow Jesus must be especially obeyed. So, there’s an assumption in Paul’s command…

            The assumption in reading “obey your parents” is that you have been transformed by the gospel. You can’t pass on what you don’t have. If you have Jesus, you are changed. And that change compels you to, in the family context, obey your parents. 

            Tim Challies again commented on this expectation. He said that in the US and Canada, the majority of children are raised in churches where what they hear is a false gospel or a gospel emptied of its power for salvation. In other words, if children are not seeing the power of the gospel at work in us as parents, they will not be convinced of its power to change them. 

             

2. “Honor”: It’s for your own good (6:2-3)

 

Paul’s second word appeals to the OT. “Honor your father and mother – which is the first commandment with a promise – so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth,” (2-3).

            Now it’s not just the right thing to do, it’s in your own self-interest to obey or honor your parents. But why add this quote from the Ten Commandments (Ex. 20:12) to what everyone agrees on? To honor your parents has a different nuance. Obeying is passive (you do what’s expected); honoring is active (you pursue ways to do good). 

            To honor your parents is to value them, to show high regard for them. It is more than obeying, more than following orders; it is living in such a way that your parents feel valued by you. It is an attitude that is noticeable in the community. People will see that you esteem your parents. (see Parable of the Prodigal re: the father’s esteem in the community when the son leaves)

            That’s huge in an honor-shame culture. We don’t quite understand that culture in North America. But in other parts of the global community, what your children think of you and do for you is a big deal. And when a child is successful (becomes a doctor) it brings great honor on the parents. To do good as a person is highly motivated by wanting to bless your parents.

            Victor Frankl lived through the Holocaust during World War II. He could have escaped before the war – he had an American visa because of his work in psychology. His parents were glad for him that he could escape the coming troubles. But then Frankl was troubled: Could he leave his parents to face their fate alone? He knew that they could end up in a concentration camp. He was looking for an answer to this dilemma when at his parent’s place he noticed a piece of marble on the table. He asked his father what this was. He explained that it was a piece of the synagogue that the Nazis had burned down. He had taken the piece home because it was part of the tablets with the Ten Commandments. There was one gilded letter that stood out. One commandment. He asked, “Which one is it?” His father said, “Honor your father and mother…” Frankl knew at that moment he had to stay. He would lose his parents, his wife, and his child to the holocaust, but to honor father and mother was too important to ignore.

            What do we do for our parents? How do we honor them?

 

3. “Do not exasperate”: Don’t be too strict (4a)

 

Paul’s first two words were for children (any age); his next two words are for parents (fathers). First, he gives a negative command: “Fathers, do not exasperate your children…” (4a). Sounds like “don’t take the wind out of their sails.”

            Before we unpack this, you need to know how the gospel of Jesus changed parental attitudes in those days. The rights of fathers would blow your mind. A Roman son never came of age; he was always under his father’s authority. When a child was born, the baby would be placed at the feet of the father. If the father stooped to pick up the child, it was a sign of acceptance. If he turned away, the child was rejected and discarded. Rejected children became slaves of others. 

            Jesus elevated the value of children. When his disciples were chasing children away from Jesus, Jesus said, “Let the children come to me.” That was huge. That was like saying, “You’re not invisible to me.” In the “Jesus way” Paul teaches, he too elevates children as a sacred responsibility given to parents. 

            Contrary to Roman cultural norms, Paul says to Christian parents, “Don’t be too strict.” Don’t exasperate your children. Translation: Don’t make them angry. How do we do that? There are many ways (let me show you): 

·      Guilt trips – using guilt to shape or control them (Don’t you care how I feel? When I was your age…)

·      Inconsistent rules – rules for one child that don’t apply to another (unreasonable; unfair, unpredictable)

·      Speaking harshly – snapping off hurtful put-downs that destroy instead of build up.

·      Not trusting them – This says as much about you as it does them; if you can’t trust them with responsibility, it means you haven’t’ taught them right.

·      Forgetting to encourage them – Martin Luther said, “Spare the rod, spoil the child. But make sure you have an apple for when they do right. 

Benjamin West’s mother left him alone one day in charge of his younger sister. He found some ink and decided to paint his sister’s portrait. His mother returned to an awful mess, ink stains everywhere. She picked up the paper, ignoring the mess, and said, “Why, it’s Sally!” and she kissed him. West said that kiss made him a painter.

            Isn’t that a picture of the gospel? If the gospel of Jesus has changed us, if you are transformed by God’s love and grace, that grace will affect your parenting. 

 

4. “Bring them up”: Don’t be too lenient (4b)

 

Then Paul gives a positive command: “…bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord,” (4b). 

            The verb “bring them up” literally means “to provide food.” Figuratively, it means “to raise them up from childhood.” So, this verse does not picture a father standing back and giving orders to be obeyed but rather investing himself personally in the raising of his children. 

            That means discipline and instruction. In this current era, that seems counterintuitive. I mean, children seem to do whatever they want. New trends empower children to explore life and choose their own way. Then why don’t they seem happy? Most of us, child or adult, feel more secure and even happy in life when there are boundaries.

            More importantly, Paul emphasizes our responsibility to instruct our children about the Lord. Are we teaching them Jesus at home? Our we making the Lord a priority in our schedules? I know it’s difficult for parents with young children to attend church services and feel like they got something out of it, but I believe the discipline of attendance speaks volumes to our children about the priority of worship. 

            We want our children to know and love the Lord. Church, Sunday School, Awana, and Bible camp are instrumental in teaching Jesus. But you know what Paul says here? The primary responsibility for knowing Jesus is in the home. It’s the parents’ job. You are the main influencers in their lives at the early stages. You are the models they look to show them how to live the “Jesus way.” You influence their priorities. If you show them that sports are more important than church, then they will put church second or third in their lives. 

            Teach your children and show them what it means to be changed by the gospel. Show them a life transformed by the love of Christ Jesus. Then they will understand what all the other Christian stuff means.

 

Paul gives us two words for children: Obey and Honor.

He gives us two words for parents: Don’t exasperate them and bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.

            Tim Challies wrote this: “If there is a solution to this problem of children abandoning the church it must be a solution that depends on the gospel. Programs are not the answer…The gospel is the answer. Where churches and families, where pastors and parents know the gospel and proclaim the gospel, children will be saved. This is true. It is not universally true; there are some children who grow up with every possible favor the Lord could bestow upon them who reject it. But by and large where the gospel is preached and spoken and whispered and celebrated, the Lord works.

            What children need from us is a consistent example of choosing the “Jesus way” every day. They need to see the true gospel at work in us, changing us, and showing them Jesus.

                                                            AMEN